Feeding Myself

Recently someone asked me what I would say if I were accused of having a “White-Savior” complex. I told them I would reply by saying that I have received much more from Thai people than I have ever given. I have also learned much more from Thai people than I have ever taught them.

I have no way of measuring it, but living in another culture is an education in itself. I have learned hundreds of things over the past 8 years, not even counting the Thai language.

This includes things like learning how to wash dishes Thai style, eating with your spoon and your fork in each hand, cutting things with the knife turned outward (ok, I am not very good at that) and learning the nuances of communication outside of spoken word. (And I am still learning that too).

And then if you count language, I have learned even more. One thing I was reminded of recently when talking with Amy, is how much space language can take up in your brain. We were talking about how we tend to forget some of the simplest English words when speaking Thai. I remember learning about some bilingual theories at Payap from dry Dr. Saber at whose name was horribly mangled by us in both Thai and English. The theories were about bilingual children and whether or not the brain can absorb both languages at once, or if one language is absorbed at the expense of the other, or if you go into modes, like using an English mode and a Thai one.

I can’t remember which theory won out in the end, but if I examine my own brain, I would say that I have several modes. One is English. One is Thai. One is Pennsylvania Dutch. When I am in one mode, it is hard for me to switch to other modes. For example, I might be teaching a low-level English class, so I am speaking Thai. When a student asks me in Thai how to say a certain sentence in English, sometimes my brain freezes and it takes me a bit to think of how to say it in English, if I can think of it at all.

Other times when I am speaking a lot of English, my Thai starts coming out stilted. It seems as if once I am in one mode or the other, it’s hard to immediately switch. This is tremendously exhausting when you are translating for two parties in both languages. More than once, I have caught myself speaking the wrong language to the wrong person.

While I have gained so much and learned so much, a constant battle remains. That battle is to feed myself mentally from quality sources in the English language. I am not talking about a spiritual battle of making sure I get my spiritual food, but more of a battle of reading good literature. Books are scarce here, and although I have a Kindle, I do need to pay for books. Libby doesn’t work for me to borrow books since my home library does not participate. Not only that, coming home tired from a day of school, it takes discipline and energy to read. If I want to learn to write well, I must also feed myself well.

I am hungry. I am hungry to sit in a library surrounded by shelves and shelves of books, books and books. Big fat books with collections of short stories and poems. Books you can touch. I would give almost anything to study at summer term or winter term at Faith Builders and discuss what I am learning with like-minded people. I would love to join in on a book club and attend discussions from knowledgeable people fluent in English. I want to talk about the beautiful things we have read. I love my Thai friends, but our tastes in literature are as far apart as the North and South Pole and few, if any, are fluent enough in English.

But in the meantime, I make do. I read from some high school readers I brought over with me. I find books of poetry on Kindle, some of which are free. I recently discovered Spotify (yes, yes, I am wayyyy behind the times) and discovered that you can listen to poetry on Spotify. I try to follow blogs that stimulate the mind.

This hunger is one reason I like the Curator so much. The Curator is, in their own words, “an organization dedicated to developing a literary conversation with values sourced in the Christian worldview, particularly as Christianity has historically been understood by Anabaptists (but not confined to the Anabaptist community). We want to build a community of writers and readers who inform each other, a culture that recognizes quality and strives to create things of value. Our mission is to provide good content to engage in and to train writers and readers to be able to engage in it.”

I often find myself out of my league here, but I look forward to each Thursday morning when the Curator releases their weekly poem. Not only this, but they also provide the occasional short story or essay, and an annual collection of art, poetry and stories called The Leaf. Last year they had some Zoom seminars, which I actually managed to attend several times, despite the time difference.

Do you have any suggestions for ways to keep my brain mentally stimulated in English, and my mind cultivated when it comes to the arts? Any resources, books, or websites you would suggest? Let me know in the comments!

4 thoughts on “Feeding Myself

  1. Language is such a defining thing. I have been wrestling with it more myself recently, because my Pennsylvania Dutch grandparents are visiting for a month. I know the language well, but I didn’t realize how much it defines a different world. It’s been refreshing to enter that world again, but then I catch myself just wanting an English conversation once in a while. (They do know English though too.)

    A suggestion for a resource: You can access a lot of free books and audiobooks on archive.org. I’ve been listening to What’s Wrong With The World and find it pretty fascinating.

    I guess I am behind the times too; I didn’t know you could listen to poetry on Spotify. What books/artists would I look for?

    I enjoy discussing books; should we start a mini book club by email and discuss what we are reading? I’m currently enjoying Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet by Sara Hagerty. (Her blog is wonderful too:https://sarahagerty.net/blog/ ) I recently read Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis (now Katie Davis Majors) and look forward to reading her next book, Daring to Hope, which I just borrowed from a friend. She also has a lovely blog: https://katiemajors.blog/

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    1. Yes! I like the word you used “defining”. I feel like that says a lot. And even though your grandparents can speak English its funny how sometimes it is so hard to speak a different language with a person that you are accustomed to speaking a certain language with. One of my close friends and I always speak Thai to each other even though she can speak English, and then at times when we tried to make the switch, it felt so weird!
      Yes, I will check out archive.org! Thanks so much. And yes, I have enjoyed Sara Hagerty’s books. My favorite was actually her second book, Unseen. And I read her third book, Adore, on my kindle for devotions when I was living in the mountains.
      Thanks a lot for stopping by!

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    2. Hey, I just randomly remembered tonight that there was a part of your comment I forgot to reply to… a book club would be interesting. I would be interested in something low pressure since I feel like I have enough deadlines and pressure in my life. And nothing intellectual, haha, since I am intimidated by intellectual people. But it would be fun and stimulating. (another thing I enjoy that I didn’t mention in my post is Goodreads. I love it because it gives you a chance to see what other people are reading and what they think about what they are reading.

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    3. Hey, I just randomly remembered tonight that there was a part of your comment I forgot to reply to… a book club would be interesting. I would be interested in something low pressure since I feel like I have enough deadlines and pressure in my life. And nothing intellectual, haha, since I am intimidated by intellectual people. But it would be fun and stimulating. (another thing I enjoy that I didn’t mention in my post is Goodreads. I love it because it gives you a chance to see what other people are reading and what they think about what they are reading.

      Like

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