because there is a fountain filled with blood that I have found

but he hasn’t found it yet and I can’t make him come to  it

he thinks that we are animals and live in a hopeless cycle of life

the only thing that can bring us to perfection and nothingness

(what a glorious thing to look forward to)

is to look inside of ourselves

even though we are animals and have nothing inside of ourselves that is good

he has no way of erasing the sin that spots and rots and grows in souls like mold

no explanation of how that sin came to be

I want to tell him, but an invisible block rises up between us

I cry out to God for wisdom and words and against Satan

the subject changes

I don’t know if I will ever see him again

I do too much of what he said——

I look inside to change myself

to make myself a better person and there is no way

and so I live on in hopelessness and self righteousness when I really do have the answer

that is Christ in you the hope of glory

draw near to God

he will draw nigh to you and there is a fountain filled with blood, the blood,

cleanses and washes and frees and there is nothing else

I believe help thou mine unbelief

and questions come with no answers why do I not see the power of God in my life

why do I not feel like God is close to me all the time

is it my fault am I living in sin

what if I am not a Christian and am only living out a farce

but I have found that fountain of blood and it justifies

and I believe I believe help thou mine unbelief

the words of God are pure words, as silver tried in a furnace and purefied 7 times,

they are pure pure pure, nothing can destroy them

I want to have them for my guide but I get wrapped up in living

And I just want to be good

and all around me are people I want to save but I cannot

because I am not God and I keep forgetting that

and do I do ministry because of love of the people or

do I do it because I really actually do love God

but ministry becomes more important than the One I am ministering for

the gift is more important than the Giver

the things the do’s and don’t’s become more important than grace and life and love

(and what really is grace)

and more importantly, the One who gives all life

I am sure I do not love God more than my comforts and my food and my emotional safety

and I am tired of being hot and I need rain in chiang mai and rain in my soul

because this hotness just pervades and crawls and creeps in to everything

I cannot trust my own soul, and I find it hard to trust any voice

for fear it is wrong but can I trust that God will speak through imperfect humans?

I want to stop living on the surface

and go deeper, deeper into the heart of God

someday this poor lisping stammering tongue will lie silent in the grave

and I will sing a new nobler sweeter song

but oh God, oh God,

could I not have that tongue right now to tell that man

about the fountain that is filled with blood

and about the words of God that are so pure??